If there is such a thing, somewhere, as a Bachelor Hall of Fame, Uncle Joe is unarguably in it. He is perhaps the most confirmed bachelor.
Uncle Joe was my father's best friend who he called Joseph.
My father always addressed folks formally by their first names in full syllable: "Hello, Mat-threw." or "Hello, Ma-ry." or "Hello, Ro-bert." It is quite rare in an era where almost nobody bothers saying the second syllables in words, which comes in the era of the acronym, thanks to the smartphone revolution.
Over the years Joseph has been like an uncle to us. So, we call him Uncle Joe or just "Unc".
Uncle Joe looks a lot like Woody Allen, especially the nose and glasses, except Uncle Joe's glass lenses are real, prescriptions, but unlike Woody Allen, Uncle Joe is no comedian.
Uncle Joe, for as long as I have known him, has been single.
For example, Uncle Joe possesses almost no interior decorating skills. There is no female in Uncle Joe's life to keep him honest.
I believe the closest I have seen or heard of him having a girlfriend was at my parents' wedding.
Uncle Joe and my mother's cousin, Betrid, who, of course, we call Aunt Beats, were partners in the wedding, where Uncle Joe and Aunt Beats met. My mother told us that Uncle Joe liked Aunt Beats, but the moment Aunt Beats mentioned that she wanted kids, Uncle Joe ran for cover. I don't blame him.
That said, Uncle Joe could also be thought of as your classic nerd. My mother, who has never stepped foot in Uncle Joe's house, would say that it looks like an electronics store. All throughout his house, there are electronics galore stored on steel shelving.
But it doesn't stop there.
In the house next door, which he purchased, for the last fifteen years or so, Uncle Joe has been building an airplane. It is not a model airplane. It is a full-scale, two-seater, T-top airplane. He once asked me if he could store its wings in our back garage. I said no nicely. If I had said yes, it could have been just the beginning.
He has, though, managed to get me to say yes to storing one of those motorized shopping carts from K-mart. How did he manage, you might ask, to get a hold of a motorized shopping cart from K-mart?
Well, when the K-mart department stores were going out of business and had, I guess you could call it, a "garage sale", Uncle Joe proudly purchased the cart, which, I can only imagine, had been severely discounted.
I guess Uncle Joe has plans of driving the motorized cart around the World's fair of flea markets or estate sales where he is like a kid in a candy store.
About a decade ago my father passed away. Since then, without being asked, Uncle Joe stepped in as our honorary father.
Uncle Joe is always there for us like a real father. Whatever you need, you just ask him for it, and he is there—almost like a genie--but better!
The one thing besides sports I could do well as a child was draw. Boy, did drawing get the attention of the girls. I was a rock star with a No. 2 pencil.
At age 11, I drew a portrait of Pittsburgh Pirate, Dave Parker, and it got me an autographed baseball of the '80 Pirates who were all members of the '79 World Series Champions team.
By college age, one would think for practical reasons, I entered college as an architect major, or, as my father had put it: an "architectural engineer".
But, I came out of college a writer with a smart-bomb of a degree in liberal arts, which is just a fancy way of saying "general studies", and in general, my parents weren't too pleased.
Sometimes though, when the writing isn't going swell, I wonder if becoming an architect would have been the better choice.
One Saturday afternoon about two years ago, my mother and I were exiting our church when we spotted Uncle Joe.
Oddly enough, Uncle Joe—and this drives my mother nuts—never calls before he stops by the house; however, when we are in church, if we don't see Uncle Joe, he never lets us know he is there.
This particular Saturday afternoon, just before we exited the church, I had mentioned to Uncle Joe that I was looking for a wide-format printer to print blueprints.
Things sounded pretty damn promising when I thought that Uncle Joe had said that there was a wide-format printer he could get for free from his cousins' copy shop.
It turned out upon exiting the church, what my uncle was actually referring to was a commercial-grade color copier in perfect working order.
Sadly, even though it was a commercial-grade color copier, my mother and I had no room for it. The garage would have been too cold and crowded, and the attic, forget it. Unless you were Christ, himself, moving this stone up two flights of steps would have been like pushing a boulder up a hill.
My uncle, the confirmed bachelor that he is, innocently suggested putting the copier in the kitchen—or even the living room or dining room.
Needless to say, my mother and I couldn't believe what he had just suggested, and even after we had explained that the kitchen, living room or dining room was no place for a copier, the confirmed bachelor still didn't get it.
A commercial-grade copier is one appliance you shouldn't keep in your kitchen. Is a copier even considered an appliance? A living room or dining room is certainly no place for it, the only exceptions being televisions and stereo rack systems.
Unless you're some kind of nerd or in this case a confirmed bachelor or both, a commercial-grade color copier won't entertain you. Unless, of course, you are Uncle Joe.
Fascinated by 3-D printers, recently Uncle Joe purchased the first of three. He said that he and his friend, Bert, make popcorn and watch the 3-D printer work, taking the printer hours to print things like a coaster.
My mother and I still like to tell the story of the color copier. To me, this only proves that if Uncle Joe ever met a woman, she would fail miserably trying to garage train him or get him to put his toys like a color copier out in the garage.
Yes, if there is such a thing as a Hall of Fame for Bachelors, Uncle Joe, I bet the boat on it, would be in it by unanimous vote.
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